Eliel Cruz is an articulate, passionate voice in the world of bisexual activism. He’s a prolific journalist and vlogger, and I was delighted to include Eliel in my recent 5 Great Bisexual Blogs article.
Here’s my interview with Eliel. I hope you find it useful. As Eliel says, ‘Bisexuality is valid, your experience matters, and most of all you matter.’
—
-How did you come to identify as bisexual?
Eliel Cruz: I didn’t know what bisexual was until I stumbled upon the word when I googled “I like boys and girls.” I was 11 and super excited to finally understand my sexuality. At the point, I thought you had to “choose” between being gay or straight one day. So I came out to myself at 11, then came out to friends and family around 14.
-What are the main factors that have contributed to your sense of wellbeing as a bisexual person?
I think writing has helped me heal a lot. I used to write diaries when I was young to keep myself sane. Now, as an adult, I write through the things I have gone through and continue to go through on huge platforms. This allows me to connect with thousands of bisexuals who have similar stories to me from across the world. This community and knowing that I’m far from alone helps me tremendously.
-Can you share a coming out story?
My coming out story is complicated. I came out to friends at a private Christian academy during my freshman year of high school. After I came out word got out to my school’s administration. I was “asked to leave.” This made me come out to my family but it was quickly swept under the rug. I came out when I was 18 to my family when I was on my way to college. They have always been loving and accepting which has helped ground me and deal with biphobia.
-What advice would you give to someone who thinks they might be bisexual and are unsure what to do?
There isn’t a rush. Don’t feel like you need to ID a certain way under a certain time frame. Educate yourself in the definition, and history, of bisexuality. Perhaps most importantly, know you’re not alone. There are many others out there with similar experiences. Bisexuality is valid, your experience matters, and most of all you matter. Find community, whether in person or online, and always reach out to bisexual activists or organizations with any questions you may have.
Eliel Cruz is a speaker and writer on religion, (bi)sexuality, and a culture critic. He reports regularly for The Advocate and has a column on the intersections of faith, sexuality, and gender at Religion News Service. His work has also been found in the Huffington Post, Mic, Sojourners, Washington Post, Patheos, Everyday Feminism, DETAILS Magazine, Rolling Stone, VICE, and Slate.
He’s the co-founder and former president of the Intercollegiate Adventist Gay-Straight Alliance Coalition, an organization that advocates for safe spaces for LGBT students at Seventh-day Adventist colleges. He has a BBA & BA in International Business and French Studies from Andrews University.
I was delighted earlier this week to do an email interview with Nicole Kristal, founder of the Still Bisexual video campaign and co-author of ‘The Bisexual’s Guide to the Universe‘.
Nicole is a hugely positive and inspirational voice in the world of bisexual activism. The Still Bisexual campaign is doing an amazing job of challenging the myths and stereotypes about bisexuality that remain so widespread in our society.
Her reflections below on bisexual wellbeing are really insightful, and I hope you find them useful. As Nicole says, ‘Trust yourself. Don’t let the world define your attractions.’
—
How did you come to identify as bisexual?
Nicole Kristal: I always kind of had crushes on my best friends in high school. I was interested in male classmates, too, but I wasn’t really on their radar. Eventually, I fell in love with a woman in 11th grade and we had a secret relationship. I came out my freshman year of college as bisexual and dated men and women throughout college.
What are the main factors that have contributed to your sense of wellbeing as a bisexual person?
Coming out constantly. Being as out as I can be, no matter how hard it is. The world wants to see you as straight or gay, so it takes a lot of energy to remind people there’s something in between. If you are bi, but you’re moving through the world not being seen as a bisexual person, you can quite quickly start to feel like an outcast in most scenes and accrue some shame. We are outnumbered in most social situations so it’s important to be visible and live your truth.
Can you share a coming out story?
I came out to my mother the summer after my first year of college. She told me she was bisexual, too. It just goes to show that coming out as bisexual, you can never predict the response.
What advice would you give to someone who thinks they might be bisexual and are unsure what to do?
My main advice would be TRUST YOURSELF. Don’t let the world define your attractions. Deep down, you know what you’re attracted to. I would definitely start to follow BiNet and StillBisexual on Facebook and Twitter. Introduce yourself and let people know your situation and fears. You will be surprised at the amount of support you will get. Most of us came out without the online support that is available now, and it’s such a safe way to get the support you need before you feel brave enough to go to a bi or gay social event, which I recommend once you feel ready to come out.
Nicole Kristal is founder of the Still Bisexual YouTube campaign and co-author of ‘The Bisexual’s Guide to the Universe‘.
Misconceptions and stereotypes about bisexuality are common in our society, and serve to delegitimate bisexuality as a valid sexual identity. That’s why so many people who are bisexual in orientation choose not to identify as such. There are many benefits to identifying as bisexual, but most people only do so when they’ve built enough confidence to assert their identity in spite of society’s prejudice.
With this in mind, I was struck by recent media coverage of British singer Duncan James’ switch in self-identification from bisexual to gay. James came out as bisexual in 2009, when he talked publicly about having had relationships with both men and women. A few years later, he revealed that he had started to identify as gay.
James is quite clear, however, that despite identifying as gay, he’s attracted to both men and women. In a 2014 interview, James said ‘I’m still attracted to women, I could still easily sleep with a woman. I haven’t in the last couple of years but I think if I meet a girl I could still have a relationship with her.’ On his decision to identify as gay, he explains, ‘I sleep with men, so that makes me gay. Regardless of whether I sleep with women or not, I’m still sleeping with men, so I’m gay.’
There are many reasons why Duncan James might prefer to identify as gay. When I was younger I identified as gay for a while, despite knowing I was bisexual. I had been stung by my early bisexual coming out experiences, in which people I cared about told me I was either a confused straight person or a closet homosexual. After that I felt people would understand and accept me better if I said I was gay. Perhaps the same thing is true for James. Biphobia is a powerful and destructive force, and it’s understandable to want to avoid it.
His words also suggest that he may have internalised the widespread but false belief that men who have any degree of same sex attraction can only be gay. Bisexuality is erased so effectively in our culture, especially for men, that bisexually-oriented people can feel that there’s no option to identify as bisexual, and that if they did, it wouldn’t be believed or accepted. Many bisexual people end up identifying as straight or gay.
Or it may be that James labels himself as a gay man who is also attracted to women, simply because that’s what feels right and makes sense to him.
Ultimately, the most important thing is that he feels comfortable with the label he has chosen. There are no rules around how we should self-identify, or indeed if we should self-identify at all. Labels are tools to help us understand ourselves better, and to enable us to find like-minded people with whom we can build relationships and a sense of community. Ideally, they also enable others to understand who we are and who we’re attracted to.
I’m sure it’s possible for someone to be happy identifying as a gay man while also being open about his attraction to women. It doesn’t seem the simplest choice, however, as gay is commonly understood to mean exclusively attracted to the same sex, which isn’t what James says he feels.
I think there’s a strong case for identifying as bisexual if you are bisexually-oriented. It’s true that as an out, bisexual-identified person you will be exposed to potential biphobia, but as I discussed last month in my post on the benefits of identifying as bisexual, you’ll also boost your self-esteem and confidence, connect to a community of other bisexual people, and change society by assertively challenging misguided ideas about bisexuality.
The more bisexual people come out, and the more bisexual activism influences public opinion, the more society will be forced to recognise bisexuality and make a place for it. We can hope, then, that in time it will be easier for all bisexually-oriented people to identify as bisexual.
—
If you’re struggling with being bisexual, or need support with any aspect of life relating to bisexuality, then I offer personal coaching services via Skype or phone. Feel free to contact me to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute introductory session.
Being bisexual in a society which doesn’t understand or accept bisexuality is difficult. When bisexual people look for help and information, they often don’t find what they need. Organisations like BiNet USA and The Bisexual Index do a great job of providing online information, and there are local bisexual groups in many larger urban areas. In general though, bisexual people are poorly served compared to gay and lesbian people. It’s common, for example, for there to be relatively few bisexual-specific resources available at LGBT centres. This increases the importance of well-informed support from individuals who know a bisexual person.
You might be reading this because a friend or relative has come out as bisexual to you. If so, you are doing a great service to that person by exploring how you can help them. Here are some suggestions:
1) Learn about bisexuality and why it’s hard to be bisexual
Before anything else, educate yourself about bisexuality. Understanding bisexuality and the challenges bisexuals face in our society will enable you to appreciate why support for bisexual people is so vitally important.
Life is hard for bisexuals because society doesn’t generally acknowledge bisexuality as a real and legitimate sexual orientation. I’ve written before about the commonly held misguided beliefs about bisexuality which are so hurtful for bisexual people. Learn why the myths and stereotypes are wrong.
Here are some key facts about bisexuality in a nutshell. Bisexuality is a real, common and enduring sexual orientation. Bisexuals comprise the largest group within the LGBT community. Bisexuality is not a phase or a stepping stone to being gay or straight. Bisexuals are no more greedy, libidinous or non-monogamous than anyone else.
2) Be encouraging and positive
Being open about being bisexual is a major achievement. In order to come out, bisexual people have to overcome fear and accept that they will be exposed to prejudice. In short, it takes real guts to come out as bisexual. Celebrate that achievement. Affirm and recognise their bisexuality. Let them know that you appreciate how hard it was to be open about it. Praise them generously for their courage in coming out and being themselves.
3) Show an interest, but be respectful
Being curious about someone’s bisexuality is understandable, and showing that you are interested can be a helpful way of demonstrating that you care and don’t see bisexuality as something that’s outside the boundaries of polite conversation. Limit your curiosity though, in exactly the same way you would if you were talking about any other personal topic. The fact that someone is bisexual doesn’t mean they’ll be happy to be asked intimate questions about sex or sexual preferences, for example.
Asking about a person’s experience of bisexuality, such as how they developed a sense of identity around it, and what kind of problems they have encountered, shows that you are sensitive to their wellbeing and would like to understand and know them better. If they don’t want to talk about those things, then respect that too.
4) Don’t assume or suggest that a bisexual person is really gay or straight
When someone says they are bisexual, assume that they’re telling the truth. While it’s true that some gay and lesbian people initially say they’re bisexual in an attempt to lessen the extent of homophobia they might suffer, this phenomenon has nothing to do with the experience of bisexual people. Similarly, don’t assume that they’re really straight, and are going through some kind of bisexual phase.
I know from personal experience how much it hurts when people have questioned my bisexuality. The first person I came out to as a teenager told me I was a confused straight person. The second person I came out to told me I was gay. Both were wrong, but their lack of acceptance affected me deeply, and I went back into the closet for many years.
It’s just not respectful to tell someone that they don’t know their own mind or experience. Bisexual people have to pluck up a lot of courage to come out, as they know that many people don’t believe that bisexuality really exists. Show bisexual people the respect and admiration they deserve, and believe what they’re telling you!
5) Don’t suggest they limit themselves to heterosexual relationships
Sometimes people suggest that a bisexual person should choose to have relationships only with opposite sex partners in order to avoid prejudice directed at same sex relationships. The problem with this approach is that it validates society’s hostility to bisexuality by encouraging bisexuals to suppress part of their sexuality. The best way for a bisexual person to be happy is for them to feel free to have relationships with whoever they want, not to deny part of themselves.
Remember a bisexual person has no choice about who they are attracted to, just like a gay or straight person has no choice about who they are attracted to.
6) Challenge biphobia and homophobia when you encounter it
If you can, whenever you hear comments and beliefs which put down bisexuals or homosexuals, challenge them. Politely let the speaker know that you find what they are saying unacceptable. Do this even when you’re not in the company of a bisexual person.
Try to challenge beliefs and assumptions in yourself and others that there are only straight people and gay people. For example, when you see a same-sex couple holding hands in the street, consider that one or both people may be bisexual. Notice how often the term ‘gay and lesbian’ is used without including ‘bisexual’. Try to include ‘bisexual’ when you talk about a relevant matter. Changing this kind of understanding creates space and awareness in your mind and the minds of others for bisexual people.
7) Let them know you are there to support them long-term
Having an ally, someone who sticks up for you, who understands bisexuality, who’s there to help, makes a huge difference to any bisexual person. Let them know that they can talk to you if they have a problem relating to their bisexuality. Bisexual people face an ongoing battle against biphobia and misunderstanding. Being open and available, should a sympathetic ear be needed, is a great service.
—
If you’re struggling with being bisexual, or need support with any aspect of life relating to bisexuality, then I offer personal coaching services via Skype or phone. Feel free to contact me to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute introductory session.