Identity

Am I Bisexual?

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Most bisexual people will have asked the question, ‘Am I bisexual?’, at some point in their lives.

It’s understandable to feel uncertain because society feeds us a range of faulty messages about what it means to be bisexual: we’re going through a phase; we’re just confused gay or straight people; we must have equal levels of desire for men and women to be a ‘true’ bisexual, and even that we don’t exist!

These messages are false, but they’re powerful, and they can lead bisexual people to doubt themselves. Many bisexuals get caught up in repetitive, negative thinking about whether they really are bisexual, and this can undermine confidence and lead to low self-esteem.

If you’re not sure whether you are bisexual or not, these are the most important things to know:

  • No matter what society says; no matter what doubts you have as a result; if you are capable of sexual attraction to more than one gender, then you can identify as bisexual.
  • There is no such thing as a ‘true’ bisexual. There are many different ways of being bisexual.
  • You do not need to have had sex with members of both sexes to be bisexual. The key factor is attraction. A celibate monk who has never had sex, and a porn star who has had a lot of sex can both be bisexual.
  • You do not need to be attracted to both sexes in exactly the same way and to exactly the same extent. You might prefer men, you might prefer women, you might not have a preference, or your preference may change over time – it doesn’t matter, you are still 100% bisexual.
  • It is absolutely fine to be bisexual and unable to say whether you prefer one sex or another. Heterosexual and homosexual people are not required to say whether they prefer short or tall partners, or blonds or redheads. Likewise, you are under no obligation to clarify your sexual preferences for others.

Choosing to assertively identify as bisexual is one of the most powerful things you can do to build self-esteem and confidence in your bisexuality. Embracing a bisexual identity boosts your self-esteem and challenges society’s misguided beliefs about bisexuals. It enables you to let go of asking yourself whether you are bisexual or not. It also grounds you in a community of like-minded people who you can reach out to for support and friendship.

Overcoming your uncertainty will bring you confidence and a wonderful sense of freedom. You deserve to experience that.

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If you’re struggling with being bisexual, or need support with any aspect of life relating to bisexuality, then I offer personal coaching services via Skype or phone.  Feel free to contact me to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute introductory session.

Bicurious or Bisexual? It’s Your Choice

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Identifying as bisexual can bring many benefits, but it’s not the only identity available to people who experience attraction to more than one gender.  Terms such as bicurious, heteroflexible, homoflexible, ‘mostly straight’ and ‘mostly gay’ all create spaces for people to develop new understandings and ways of expressing their sexual desires.  They can all be tools to help us interact effectively and happily in the world, used alone or even in combination.

Which identity you prefer depends, in part, on what your sexual attractions mean to you.  My attractions to women and men have been significant to me, so it makes sense to me to identify as bisexual.  It feels integral to my sense of who I am.  No other term but bisexual would do justice to my experience.   Calling myself bisexual also functions as a simple descriptor of who I can be attracted to.  It’s a way of being honest and clear with myself and other people.

Some people who experience attraction to both men and women find that the term bisexual doesn’t fit them so well.  A 2013 review of multiple studies on sexual attraction found that up to 23% of women and 9% of men identified as ‘mostly heterosexual’. Mostly heterosexuals (MHs) were found to have greater same sex attraction than heterosexuals, but less than those who identified as bisexual.  MHs reported experiencing minor same-sex attractions which were purely sexual in nature, and lacking any romantic element.  The review also found that MH is an enduring sexual orientation, and not a temporary or one-off experience.

The MH label was provided as an option on the surveys that informed the studies, so it’s unlikely that many people actually use this term to describe themselves in real life.  MHs probably identify as heterosexual, but they might also use identifiers like bicurious or heteroflexible in certain contexts such as dating sites.

An MH could also choose to identify as bisexual.  Bisexual identity includes people with almost any degree of attraction to more than one gender.  So, if you’ve been attracted to 500 women in your life and only 1 man, then it’s entirely legitimate to identify as bisexual, if that’s what feels right to you. Alternatively, if your attraction is heavily weighted to one gender, you might decide to choose a label like bicurious or hetero/homoflexible, or even a monosexual label such as straight or gay.

There’s no obligation to adopt any sexual identity at all, if you don’t want to. It can, though, be advantageous if you do. Labels and identities can help us find communities of like-minded people, so that we can build supportive relationships with others.  They’re also tools which enable us to understand ourselves and our desires.  They help other people understand us better, too.

But sexual identities are not prisons.  We are free to adopt different labels at different times of our lives, should our understanding of our desires change.  Sexual labels are not fixed, scientific descriptors of some absolute reality. In fact, sexual identities were invented in the 19th century by the pioneering academic sexologists seeking to study and categorise sexual behavior.

The work of Alfred Kinsey and subsequent sex researchers has since shown that sexuality is complex and can’t always be expressed in simple categories.  As LGBT activist Peter Tatchell has argued, if a post-homophobic, post-biphobic society ever develops, then sexual identities could even become redundant.  Until that time, however, sexual identities will remain essential tools of understanding and activism.

There is no one right way for any person to identify.  The important thing is that we feel comfortable with the identity we choose.

So, bisexual or bicurious? It doesn’t matter, as long as you’ve found an identity that works for you.

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If you’re struggling with being bisexual, or need support with any aspect of life relating to bisexuality, then I offer personal coaching services via Skype or phone.  Feel free to contact me to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute introductory session.

Why it’s hard to identify as bisexual

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Misconceptions and stereotypes about bisexuality are common in our society, and serve to delegitimate bisexuality as a valid sexual identity. That’s why so many people who are bisexual in orientation choose not to identify as such. There are many benefits to identifying as bisexual, but most people only do so when they’ve built enough confidence to assert their identity in spite of society’s prejudice.

With this in mind, I was struck by recent media coverage of British singer Duncan James’ switch in self-identification from bisexual to gay. James came out as bisexual in 2009, when he talked publicly about having had relationships with both men and women. A few years later, he revealed that he had started to identify as gay.

James is quite clear, however, that despite identifying as gay, he’s attracted to both men and women. In a 2014 interview, James said ‘I’m still attracted to women, I could still easily sleep with a woman. I haven’t in the last couple of years but I think if I meet a girl I could still have a relationship with her.’   On his decision to identify as gay, he explains, ‘I sleep with men, so that makes me gay. Regardless of whether I sleep with women or not, I’m still sleeping with men, so I’m gay.’

There are many reasons why Duncan James might prefer to identify as gay. When I was younger I identified as gay for a while, despite knowing I was bisexual. I had been stung by my early bisexual coming out experiences, in which people I cared about told me I was either a confused straight person or a closet homosexual. After that I felt people would understand and accept me better if I said I was gay. Perhaps the same thing is true for James. Biphobia is a powerful and destructive force, and it’s understandable to want to avoid it.

His words also suggest that he may have internalised the widespread but false belief that men who have any degree of same sex attraction can only be gay. Bisexuality is erased so effectively in our culture, especially for men, that bisexually-oriented people can feel that there’s no option to identify as bisexual, and that if they did, it wouldn’t be believed or accepted. Many bisexual people end up identifying as straight or gay.

Or it may be that James labels himself as a gay man who is also attracted to women, simply because that’s what feels right and makes sense to him.

Ultimately, the most important thing is that he feels comfortable with the label he has chosen. There are no rules around how we should self-identify, or indeed if we should self-identify at all. Labels are tools to help us understand ourselves better, and to enable us to find like-minded people with whom we can build relationships and a sense of community. Ideally, they also enable others to understand who we are and who we’re attracted to.

I’m sure it’s possible for someone to be happy identifying as a gay man while also being open about his attraction to women. It doesn’t seem the simplest choice, however, as gay is commonly understood to mean exclusively attracted to the same sex, which isn’t what James says he feels.

I think there’s a strong case for identifying as bisexual if you are bisexually-oriented. It’s true that as an out, bisexual-identified person you will be exposed to potential biphobia, but as I discussed last month in my post on the benefits of identifying as bisexual, you’ll also boost your self-esteem and confidence, connect to a community of other bisexual people, and change society by assertively challenging misguided ideas about bisexuality.

The more bisexual people come out, and the more bisexual activism influences public opinion, the more society will be forced to recognise bisexuality and make a place for it. We can hope, then, that in time it will be easier for all bisexually-oriented people to identify as bisexual.

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If you’re struggling with being bisexual, or need support with any aspect of life relating to bisexuality, then I offer personal coaching services via Skype or phone.  Feel free to contact me to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute introductory session.

5 Great Bisexual Blogs

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Sharing in the personal thoughts and reflections of another bisexual person through a blog can be an intimate and powerful experience.  If you’re uncomfortable with your bisexuality, then witnessing others confidently identifying as bi and expressing themselves openly on a blog can be really empowering.

Blogs can also help us to better understand our own bisexuality, providing us with the opportunity to recognise ourselves in the experience of others, and to learn about unfamiliar and different experiences as well.

Here are five of my favourites:

1) Eponymous Fliponymous – Patrick RichardsFink

A self-described ‘angry bisexual with a keyboard’, Patrick RichardsFink is one of the most articulate voices in the bi blogosphere. He covers the full gamut of bisexual issues, including identity, bisexual erasure and gender.  I particularly like Patrick’s writing on the experience of bisexual men. Also check out his writing on biphobia, starting with this passionate post.

2) Bisexuality and Beyond – Sue George

Sue George has been blogging about bisexuality for nearly ten years, making hers one of the longest running bi blogs out there. A journalist by trade, Sue writes beautifully about a wide range of bisexual issues.  I recommend taking some time to browse her substantial archive of posts, as many of her early posts remain relevant today.

Sue’s current focus is the experience of older bisexual people. Her excellent ‘Bi and Over 50’ interview series is well worth checking out.

3) The Bisexual Bangladeshi

Eloquent and thought-provoking, this blogger details his experience as a young bisexual man coming out to family, friends, and work colleagues.   He writes about his efforts to reconcile his sexual orientation with his religion, and also reflects on sexuality and Bangladeshi society.

This is a blog providing valuable insights into bisexuality, religion and culture, but it’s also very good on the universal issues that we face as bisexuals, such as the process of self-acceptance.

4) Hannah Bee’s Bisexual Blog

This new blog established itself earlier this year with a great series of posts providing advice on how to set up a local bisexual group.  Hannah also writes about biphobia and media depictions of bisexuality, as well as reflecting movingly on her experience of bisexuality, family life and bereavement. Her recent post on the lack of LGBT-specific sex education in schools is excellent.

5) Eliel Cruz

Eliel Cruz is a talented and prolific writer specialising in bisexuality, religion, media and culture.   While Eliel doesn’t have a personal blog, he writes regularly online in The Advocate, Huffington Post and Mic.  I especially like his articles which reflect on his own experience, such as this one on biphobia and this one on bisexual identity.

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If you’re struggling with being bisexual, or need support with any aspect of life relating to bisexuality, then I offer personal coaching services via Skype or phone.  Feel free to contact me to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute introductory session.

 

3 reasons why identifying as bisexual will make your life better

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Somewhere between 0.5% and 5% of the population self-identify as bisexual.  Many more people are attracted to both men and women, but choose not to identify themselves as bisexual. Why?

The primary cause is social stigma and prejudice.  Our culture doesn’t generally recognise bisexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation.  Bisexual people receive messages from society that bisexuality doesn’t exist, and that they are lying or confused gay or straight people.  We are told that bisexuality is a transitional phase, and that bisexuals are promiscuous and require simultaneous relationships with members of both sexes. Bisexual people rarely meet openly bisexual people in their social circles, or see them depicted in TV or film drama.

Society’s negative view of bisexuality undermines our confidence in our bisexual identity and often leads us to hide in the closet.  It’s common for bisexual people to identify falsely as straight or gay to avoid prejudice and ridicule.  I used to.

When I first came out as bisexual aged 19, my girlfriend told me that bisexuality didn’t exist and that I was just a confused and attention-seeking straight person.  When I came out to a friend, he told me that men who said they were bisexual were really gay.  My self-esteem plummeted. Instead of receiving support and acceptance, I was told that I didn’t know my own mind.  I decided that coming out as bisexual was a bad idea.

After that, I chose to hide my bisexuality.  I alternated between straight or gay identities depending on who I was with at the time.  This never felt right though, and not being able to be openly bisexual knocked my confidence.  I often felt unhappy.

In my late 20s, I realised that I would never feel comfortable if I couldn’t be honest about who I really was.  I finally began coming out as bisexual to everyone.  A weight was lifted, and my life got so much better.

So why exactly did identifying as bisexual make such a positive difference? For me it boils down to three things:

1) It Boosts Your Self-Esteem and Confidence

Assertively identifying as bisexual enhances your confidence and makes you feel better about yourself.  It’s true that if you hide your bisexuality, then you’ll avoid some of the prejudice and stigma directed at bisexual people. But there’s a cost.  You’ll never feel known and accepted by others.

We all want to be loved and accepted.  When we don’t receive enough love and acceptance, especially from the important people in our lives, then our confidence and self-image can be low.  If you choose not to identify as bisexual, then a major part of who you are will never be known and accepted, even by your closest friends and family.

In addition, if we don’t identify as bisexual because society doesn’t like it, then we validate society’s view that bisexuality is something to be ashamed of, or something illegitimate.  This can contribute to internalised biphobia, where we feel that there really is something wrong with our bisexual orientation and identity.

2) You Become Part of a Community

Identifying as bisexual connects you to a community of other bisexual people.  You can interact with bisexual people online via forums, blogs and vlogs, or in person at bisexual social and support groups.

It’s hugely empowering to engage with the experience of other bisexual people.  It helps relieve the sense of isolation that we commonly feel, and enables us to develop our understanding of our own sexuality.

Building relationships with other bisexual people will also reinforce your sense of bisexual identity.  Witnessing others confidently identifying as bisexual is a great confidence booster!

3) You Change Society

Identifying as bisexual challenges society’s prejudice and faulty beliefs about bisexuality.  Society says we don’t exist? Well, here I am, bisexual and proud! Society says this is just a phase? Well, I’m still bisexual!

Every person that identifies as bisexual and tells others about it changes perceptions, even if you only tell one person! The more people identify openly as bisexual, the harder it will be for myths and negative messages about bisexuality to survive. Identifying as bisexual, therefore, doesn’t just improve your life, but also the lives of others.

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So, if you’re lacking confidence in identifying as bisexual, consider the benefits. It really can change your life!

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If you’re struggling with being bisexual, or need support with any aspect of life relating to bisexuality, then I offer personal coaching services via Skype or phone.  Feel free to contact me to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute introductory session.

How to know for sure that you are bisexual

At some point in their lives, most bisexual people will have asked themselves, ‘How do I know if I’m bisexual?’. You might be asking yourself this question right now. Often the implication of the question is ‘Am I a ‘true’ bisexual?’, as if there’s a gold standard or generic way of being bisexual.

For some, being a ‘true’ bisexual may mean experiencing equal attraction to men and women, or if not equal attraction, then a fixed and clear attraction that doesn’t change over time.  If we don’t match up to the gold standard, then we can feel we don’t qualify as bisexual.

The reality of bisexual experience is that it’s diverse and hard to pin down in simple categories.  There is no gold standard, just like there’s no gold standard for heterosexuality or homosexuality. Bisexuality can be fluid and variable. Levels of attraction can change and fluctuate, as well as respond to circumstance and who is around you at a particular time.   Many bisexuals, therefore, find it very hard to say whether they prefer men or women.

Some bisexuals will have felt attraction to men and women since puberty or earlier, while others find themselves first attracted to members of both sexes later in life, having experienced only straight or gay attraction up to that point.  Some bisexual people are also attracted to transsexual and transgender people.

Uncertainty about whether we are bisexual usually arises not because we don’t know what our sexual desires are, but because we live in a society which doesn’t yet have an established, shared understanding of what bisexuality is.  In fact, society throws out a range of confusing and negative messages about bisexuality.

Sure, the idea that a bisexual is someone who is sexually attracted to men and women is widespread enough, but along with that idea come a host of myths and stereotypes which serve to invalidate bisexuality as a legitimate identity and way of being.

Among the negative messages about bisexuality prevalent in our society is the idea that bisexuality doesn’t exist as an ongoing sexual identity.  This idea suggests that bisexuality is just a developmental phase or a period of confusion that ends in hetero or homosexuality.  Sometimes identifying as bisexual is seen as a cover story for insecure gay people or straight people trying to be edgy or cool.

Bisexuals have to put up with other misguided beliefs including the notion that bisexuals are sexually voracious and promiscuous, incapable of monogamy and unable to be satisfied without simultaneous male and female partners.

So, how do you know if you’re bisexual? Here are some helpful things to remember:

  • There is no such thing as a ‘true’ bisexual. There are many different ways of being bisexual.
  • You do not need to have had sex with members of both sexes to be bisexual.  The key factor is attraction.  A celibate monk who has never had sex, and a porn star who has had a lot of sex can both be bisexual.
  • You do not need to be attracted to both sexes in exactly the same way and to exactly the same extent.  You might prefer men, you might prefer women, you might not have a preference, or your preference may change over time – it doesn’t matter, you are still 100% bisexual.
  • It is absolutely fine to be bisexual and unable to say whether you prefer one sex or another.  Heterosexual and homosexual people are not required to say whether they prefer short or tall partners, or blonds or brunettes.  Likewise, you are under no obligation to clarify your sexual preferences for others.
  • Ultimately, if you are capable of sexual attraction to both men and women to any degree, at any time, then you can choose to identify as bisexual.  Choosing to assertively identify as bisexual is one of the most powerful things you can do to build self-esteem and confidence in your bisexuality.

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If you’re struggling with being bisexual, or need support with any aspect of life relating to bisexuality, then I offer personal coaching services via Skype or phone.  Feel free to contact me to set up a free, no obligation 30 minute introductory session.